The insatiable urge of my goddess is to take her erupting inner forces and let them flow freely in the world. She wants to unleash both her purr and her scream and the moan that often escapes out between her thighs. She chooses to dance rather than stay put. And always, she connects and doesn’t back away.
If I could sum up the one desire of my soul it would be to stay all day long hanging out with my goddess and letting her work her magic through me.
I don’t feel anything like my goddess at the moment.
I’ve shut her down and reverted back to my ‘I don’t really want to know what’s going on within me’ primal state.
I’ve started this blog 5 times. They’re all unfinished drafts and probably won’t see the light of day. Some were too raw. Others were a poetic mess and I couldn’t track what I was trying to say. There was one in particular that felt like I was pouring my own crap over the page and being highly triggered over the events of the last 2 months. That one went to trash.
I tried silence and working through my feelings and getting on with the job. But now things are welling up and getting stuck and my insides feel like they wanna burst.
So, I’ve gotta write.
When I don’t, everything else grinds to a halt. Because if I’m not expressing, then the goddess ain’t living and things become dry, real dry.
In fact, over the years of running my biz and particularly over the last 12 months of the supernova of my soul deciding to break free and sell her gifts at the high price they were created for, I’ve realized one very important thing.
If your expression is blocked, your business is too.
There is an exquisite relationship between the extent of your unleashing and the impact you make with your clients.
And as we all know in spiritual, enlightened business, when you’re making an impact and serving your clients to their highest potential, you’re also making good money.
Good money = freedom to do what the heck you desire to do. And that, my lovely soul leader, is a good thing for the planet when it is fuelled from your heart.
For me, if my goddess ain’t free to do her thing, then I end up stone-cold-broke.
It’s a lesson I’m continually fronting up to in my business.
It’s both a grace and a fucking pain for me.
Grace because it means to do my business I have to be authentic to my goddess. I have to keep unleashing my energy and unshackling my expression to fulfill the work my soul wants to do.
Fucking pain because this expression ‘thing’ has been my secret prison for as long as I can remember.
As a sensitive heart, I armoured up for those around me, myself and probably the whole world. In the process, I got all confused with what I could express to keep people happy, what I had to express to clear out the hot mess of emotions within me, what I didn’t want to express incase the townfolk came running after me with pitchforks (yes, that one’s a karmic throwback) and what my soul truly desired to express.
When you can’t make sense of all those rules running within you, things can get quite uncomfortable.
You see, you can do years and years of all the good work, but your patterns are still your patterns. Yes, they don’t have the same hold as they used to. Yes, if you’re practicing what you preach you’ll catch them before you drown in them. You’ll glide through them with so much more grace.
But if you deny yourself the space to be with your heart and tend to her feels, then your patterns can become as gnarly as the day you adopted them.
For me, it’s non-negotiable I take the time to express it now. My body is ringing her primal alarm bell and things feel really heavy. Have I told you my womb will bloat round as the full moon when I’m not listening to what’s really going on within me?
It feels scary to express it now. And for me that’s such a contradiction. I’ve been there and back again with baring myself in the spotlight. I thought I was over such small inconveniences as shying away from what I need to say.
But obviously I’ve hit upon another sore spot and I’m reverting back to the girl who feared she was either too much or not enough to speak her mind.
Last night, my soul sister asked me, ‘what if your anger was healing for the world’? The world doesn’t quite know what to do with a fierce or angry woman, so we tried to shut her up.
Energetically, when I tune in, the scream of the goddess is locked within me. Don’t ask me where the purr or the moan is – I can’t even hear them any more.
So in good business sense and because I want to feel light again, I’ll share what’s going on for me. And perhaps I’ll wander into the woods and let my scream out.
If you’ve been here for a while, you’ll know in the last 12 months I had a spiritual rebirth. I walked the second dark night, communed with my soul and bravely (or stupidly) devoted to downloading a signature body of light work for the world.
It was the most holy, hellish, heavenly ride I’ve ever been on.
Being one of those slow and sensual kind of peeps means I seem to take my own sweet time with these things. Deep down, I must be from the soul family where time is just an illusion. But finally, I landed with my work and had a series of spontaneous orgasms at stepping into the spotlight and learning that I actually liked dancing there. And not just liked it, but it opened me up to a whole new portal of magnetism I didn’t even know existed within me.
It’s kinda crazy that I spent so long remembering the terror of burning at the stake and the humiliation of fucking it up in the spotlight. Because all along, I was so ready to get up on stage. In fact, I was born for it.
That craziness still feels relevant even now – simultaneous burn of terror and the liberation of dancing in the spotlight. Having to hold the space for both and accept they really work perfectly together – the potent juju mix for a good soul reckoning.
Track forward to running a beta test of my work, completely up-levelling the prices of my mentorship, growing a team and launching Soul Leader School and other signature programs.
On the outside, it looked like I was just upgrading my business and getting real with being an online entrepreneur.
On the inside, I was rising like a phoenix.
I’ll take a moment here to bow down to all the grace that’s flooded through. Sisters who gathered round me. Clients who rock my world. Family who forever support me. Unlimited creative expansion. True service. Teachings that make me feel sheer bliss to teach them.
Oh, and learning the art of extreme riches hurtling through your open channels. Thank you goddess for THAT one.
But for a sensitive heart, the up-levelling can get real wobbly too.
Being an empath and suddenly throwing my nets wide open to a thriving community kinda knocked my inner reserves.
No one told me in the tender state of unraveling the woman-I-was to become the Soul Leader I am, I would suddenly have to deal with so many other energies in my space.
Unknowingly, I had invoked the holy grail of relationship clear outs. There is something about elevating your vibration to it’s highest potential that really illuminates the disparity in EVERYTHING you’ve been participating in.
Remember those inner rules I was telling you about? The ones about making people happy and trying to be loved? They got a real working when suddenly in the spotlight, people started having a ‘say’ with me.
Two dear personal relationships collapsed and are only just now being lovingly rebuilt. A business partnership combusted with the kind of aggression I’m not used to, burning a hole right through my heart chakra.
I had to deal with a few refund requests – an initiation to the next level for every biz owner – but tender nonetheless. Someone borrowed/channeled some of my IP and again, I felt like my own art wasn’t quick enough.
I wasn’t used to so many expectations wanting a piece of me.
And therefore, deep down, I hadn’t fortified my power enough to weather the more expansive container I was choosing to create.
And here’s the thing. I thought I handled all of this with as much grace as I could muster.
When public things were said about me, I took some deep breaths and had a little talking to myself about personal conviction.
When my business got shaken at crunch time, I tried to run everything best I could by myself (which meant many, many late nights, a recipe for disaster for a sensitive chick like me).
I could have melted down. I could have got fierce.
I chose instead to focus on the wild leaps of daring my students were taking and the absolute love in my school. The women were cracking open my heart and my community felt absolutely safe and revered. I hunkered in with my soul sisters.
I told myself I needed a little integration downtime.
But if I’m real honest to myself now, the visibility wobbled me back into my hidey hole. I got hurt. I had opened and just wanted unconditional love from the whole world. Instead, I got a lesson in a woman’s true leadership power: have blazing devotion to what is true within you or watch the collapse of your energy field, taking with it all the momentum you lovingly and painstakingly built.
What you have to say, if it comes straight from the pit of your soul, will shake things up around here. The more I see women in their true power, the more I notice the intoxicating mix of sweet and straight up truth. Sometimes they get fierce, sometimes they get loving, sometimes they shine a light on the shadowy ways we’re behaving so we can all expand. Radical truth, good truth, peaceful truth is bound to make waves. You can’t speak thy truth woman and be loved by everyone.
So, the question is, how can you express your message and love yourself forever for it? How can you hold yourself so tenderly as you create your own movement, knowing the visibility wobbles might just shake you to your core? The reassuring thing is you’re not the first leader to say what she’s gotta say and face the fallout. The depth of vibrational reaction to her leadership is proportional to the potency of her light.
Let your light do it’s work and ride those wild waves baby.
I like to have two core devotions I return to, whenever the wobbles get me. First is the devotion to my soul. Number one. My only altar. She tells me what she wants and I lay myself down for those desires, trusting the ecstasy of freedom they guide me towards. My soul and I hang out in her temple (have you done my soul temple ritual? your can find it here) with all our other soul crew (council of soul, soul work guides, soul family) and we know that EVERYTHING we do comes from the love conceived here. That’s more than enough.
Second up, always there, always loving, are my soul clients. They’re the babes who walk this path with me. The ones who crack open my heart and show me the way of my leadership. They’re so down with my vibe, they want more of it. I’ve gotta keep rising for them. Keep shining for them. Keep singing to them. Whenever I see myself shying away, I think about the soul client I might not connect with, the pleasure and growth we’ll both miss out on and the service left unserved. That always gets me out of my funk to step into the spotlight again.
Your truth is here to be shared, woman. You came to earth for it.
Literally imbued an imprint of the highest celestial heights and came crashing/cruising through the dimensions to land gloriously on the earth plane. Be humble, be grand, but keep sharing what’s beating in your heart.
Reflections of the journey I’ve been on
There’s so much to say about rising up into your true vibration and being steady in the fallout after it. How the investment in your vibration will trigger others who haven’t yet put their all in. And there is another piece about continuing to rise up so your reality returns to one of high vibes and mutual appreciation and cheering your loved ones on.
There’s a lot to say about self responsibility and self inquiry, so as not to throw your shit at others, or even worse, online – thinking it’s about how others hurt you, or didn’t meet your expectations, rather than what’s up in your own power centre.
There is a fire within me to shine a light on sisters supporting sisters. To know it’s quite human to be triggered. Another woman’s light is a call to your own. Take it and don’t feel diminished, feel activated. I wanna shout from the treetops: there is enough for everyone! You too my darling, your abundant tribe of soul clients are waiting for you.
I could write a book about observing when a sister is birthing her soul and forgiving the humanness of her actions when she is stretched wider than she’s ever been. Celebrate she is choosing to download new light creations through her and she won’t have it all together. She’ll be unraveling, big time. Can we maintain our presence in her wild, raw mess and still see the best of her? What a REVOLUTION that would create.
There’s a lot to say about sayin’ it loud and proud. Letting those emotions well up and clear out. Anger and whatever else you’re feeling, when you’re not projecting it, is most definitely healing for us all. If you’re anything like me, keeping it in is poison.
And close to my own heart right now, there’s a lot to say about the wound that still exists within me that whenever it’s triggered, tends to shut up shop and stop expressing her dreams. The part of me that feels much more comfortable huddled with an intimate small crew of soul brethren, rather than on the stage of my own message.
I’m ready to forgive myself for all the fuckups I’ve made.
I’m not trying to say it all now, apart from just writing bits of it out, to unravel my heart even more and let my goddess know it’s safe to come out and play again and get on with dancing in the spotlight.
Rather than get triggered by external actions, I’m fuelling my power centre. The goddess within me is cracking her whip and making boundaries strong around here. All things love and truth, be welcome. Other people’s energy, if it doesn’t come in love and truth, be gone to your destiny, thank you very much.
But take my advice sister, the stoppage of your expression will dry up the abundance you’re creating in every area of your life. Your business will feel your absence.
And if you’re power centre is all whacked, then you won’t be able to let your sweet energy rise up from your belly, expand open your heart and come coursing out your throat.
So tend to your power. Feel them feels. Open your heart. Let your soul OUT.
Keep rising and giving the best of you and come play with the women who know how tender and exhilarating this journey really is. Let’s rise up together.